timeLines. controL. it’s not aLL about YOU.

The universe will unfoLd as it shouLd, upon its own timeLine. I know this, but I forget this — or at the very least, when it appLies to me directLy. I can’t heLp who I am, how I am: impatient. And when I get impatient, I try to controL the worLd around me, force myseLf and my infLuence upon it; but the more I fight it, the more controL — inevitabLy and ironicaLLy — I lose. It’s a losing game. ControLLing what’s meant to be out of your hands.

Sometimes I know that things are meant to happen, that they wiLL inevitabLy happen. All signs point to its inevitabiLity. But to get things to speed up is seLfishness and seLf sabotage. Look, it’s supposed to be hard for a reason. You’re supposed to learn something from it for a reason. To get to where you need to go, it takes more than KNOWING facts — it takes a LEARNING of a very specific form of reaLity.

When it comes to the worLd of fiction, I know that — beyond ego, beyond (hopefuLLy) a veil of seLf deLusion — something’s THERE. A spark that is unLike any other, a genuine desire to connect form with function, to reaLLy raise questions so that both reader and writer can come cLoser to understanding deeper, more intimate truths about themseLves and the reaLity that exists on an externaL level. At the same time, I’m impatient to get there, to get pubLished. So I tend to kick my own arse, get into high gear and submit work before it’s ready.

If I submit work before it’s ready — for one, I’m usually 10-20 bucks shorter, and two: my work will not manifest itself in its finest, most cohesive form. I know the answer to the ultimate question, so I speed through the grunt work to get there, so that it’s function, function, function — clever turns of phrases — and function. It lacks the polish and elegance that really will get its toe in the doorway. Laziness and impatience is a shorthand summary for this process. Or lack thereof.

The thing is, even though I am the writer, and I generaLLy know where the story is going, I stiLL have to remember that I’m stiLL learning, and that I’m supposed to stiLL be learning things, uncovering things as I go aLong, and if I go in, thinking I know aLL the answers and leave a scene without having tripping over new ones, then it’s not ready. I’ve told a story, but haven’t processed it for myself.

If what’s supposed to happen will happen, I have to stop fighting the timeLine. Because it’s a seLfish thing to do — essentiaLLy I’m trying to controL people outside of myseLf.

Like, when I like somebody new that I meet. When I’ve made a connection, I want it to fLourish — and quick, quick, quick!!! Before it dies!!! Before it loses interest and moves on!!!

But no, I’ve got to let it take its time.

Meeting O — I wasn’t supposed to like her right away. I wasn’t supposed to get her right away. Because I wasn’t ready to. I wasn’t there yet. So, being lukewarm, our reLationship deveLoped uber sLowLy — and, in the end, turned out to be one of the most productive reLationships I’ve made in the past year in terms of understanding myself, those around me, my own reaLities — and reaLLy finding ways to become productiveLy at peace with myseLf in an unseLfish way. It’s still a struggLe, but I wouLdn’t even know that it was an issue to begin with, had I not met her, had I not let our reLationship take its time and breathe on its own.

Or J — letting him go and do his thing for the first 2 semesters, even though I feLt immediately drawn to him, connected to him. Had I recognized his neediness at the start of the semester, the reLationship might have turned out to be something unproductive. We would have maybe become 2 halves of a whoLe as friends, codependent in a way. It would have burned itseLf out by now. I wouLd have turned out to be a less emotionaLLy independent person than I am today.

And even RJ. As frustrating as it’s been, I do see a larger pattern, an undercurrent I’ve faiLed to recognize and I’m coming to terms with letting it just be. It was borne out of a strange, chance meeting and wiLL repLay its deveLopment in its own strange little way based upon chance and its very own timeLine.

Human connections — the most amazing ones are the ones we — ironicaLLY — have to try to not care about. Try to let it just be and breathe on its own. The fruits of the connection will come to pass when the timing is right, when the necessary lessons have been recorded, learned and internaLized.

BasicaLLy, when you recognize someone as being quite awesome and uber cooL — don’t force your wiLL upon it, don’t force your friendLiness or kindLiness upon it. If it’s meant to connect, then let it grow on its own. Chances are, it’LL form a stronger connection that wiLL teach deeper lessons than you could have ever perceived to imagine. PLant a seed and let it grow. Don’t water it, wait for the rains to come. If the rains don’t come, then it wasn’t meant to be. In the meantime, plant new ones and return to tend to them if they take root.

The thing is, as human beings, we’re not meant to invest in one another. We’re meant to invest in ourselves as independent entities and the realtionship, the bond between 2 people — THAT is a 3rd entity in its own right, separate from you, separate from the other person. That is true and unseLfish intimacy that’s productive and resists stagnation. Because it can move in whichever direction it wants, apart from you and your immediate endeavors and apart from me and my own.

No need to kiLL it with overcoddLing, overwatering. If it’s meant to develop into its own entity, it wiLL sustain itseLf.

That’s why it resists a timeLine you or anybody eLse imposes upon it.

It’s got to live and breathe on its own — true intimacy.

The thing is, the greatest lesson I can learn at the moment is to trust myseLf, my intuition and the universe. Having faith is hard. There is no way of KNOWING with trust — because that’s what trust is. That’s what faith is. Intuition without imperical, textbook evidence.

Trust and have faith in that your deepest, most unconscious desires shall all manifest themselves before you. And that they can be just as awesome as they can be terrible. The thing is, they will manifest when they should — so if they don’t come to pass when you WANT them to, it’s because you haven’t learned what you were supposed to learn yet, or you haven’t grown strong enough to truly understand and appreciate their fruition.