MorTaLity of Logic and Reason

A recent email touched upon the topic of a falling out with someone that person cared about. Long distance friendship/relationship, little regular contact, yadda, yadda, yadda - and then BOOM! One person makes a choice to use passive aggressivity to hurt the other person. Long story short, time has passed, and while they're "okay" with each other, there really isn't the kind of connection there used to be.

People hurt out from a place of hurt.

It’s hard to see when someone is trying to hurt you – intentionally or not – and a lot of that, I think, comes from our own conditioning of our material attachments to things – even books. On the surface, we know we do not and cannot possess people, and yet, despite ourselves, when we become attached to or perceive that person to be an integral piece of our being or expansion, that’s what essentially happens.

They get upset when they can’t see you or when you don’t fulfill a role because a part of them is responding to an unconscious understanding. And that understanding, beyond reason or rational logic, is that a part of you is supposed to belong to them. They’ve made claims on it and invested in it.

So it hurts when something that is theirs is denied to them. It’s unconscious. Usually it is unintentional. But it hurts because it makes them doubt how strong that claim is. How loyal you are, or how much you do, indeed, care. It makes them feel vulnerable because they fear that you don’t love or don’t love enough. At least, that is my understanding as to why people who love or care for one another hurt each other.

Does this mean that no one is at fault? No one is to blame? Yes and no. It is what it is. But once you become conscious to what is happening, you must become responsible for your own actions, for your conscious behavior, at least – in order to maintain your sense of integrity. But realizing your own culpability can be a scary thing, indeed, because… what do you do? What do you do when you realize what’s been done? What do you say?

If it's scary it's because you are afraid of how they will receive it. Saying sorry, or trying to offer insight to a deeper truth to what is really going on. Getting people to understand or recognize the uglier sides of their selves or actions can be painful because you don't want to hurt them. Because you're scared if they do, they'll hurt you back. Especially when you're feeling most vulnerable.

This is where my inner cheerleader kicks in: be brave. Be brave, even if you're scared.

Acknowledge the fear, but avoid giving control over it, because when fear hijacks the mind, like a meme, it will come up with a multitude of excuses so that you can protect yourself and that other person from expanding. Like a virus, it is infectious and can dismantle your ability to listen to your intuition.

That is where it is hard, because it is an inconvenient thing: paying attention to your intuition. To value it and see it as a part of the intellect, not as a separate process. It's inconvenient because there is a threat that if you apply or practice this channeling of your intuition, that the person you are sharing it with will not understand, or worse, hurt you via emotional and intellectual denigration. Whatever you're paying attention to, you become conscious off. But sometimes consciousness is not enough. And you've got to learn to be okay with that. That, when applying consciousness, when practicing the sharing of your own understanding of truth, there will be mistakes.

And that if you allow it, these mistakes, to happen - you will learn from them. And so that every time thereafter that you practice this flow of consciousness, you will get better at it. Better at communicating what it is that you're trying to say. Better at reaching that other person's consciousness, so that he or she can see that you are not saying or doing something with the intention to hurt. You are doing it to help.

I, myself, have realized a mistake. That I may have unintentionally hurt somebody when I plugged out of a connection to keep from getting hurt myself. Because it made me feel too vulnerable. Because I didn't think it was fair that I was so exposed and the other person seemed so distant and far away.

So what do I do?

A convenient thing to do would be to leave it alone. Because, if I listen to just the memes of fear, then I can rationalize that this is all in my head, that I didn't hurt this person. I mean, I'm such an insignificant blip on this person's radar, why would my disappearance hurt this person? If anything, I doubt this person even cares as to whether or not I exist. If anything, this person found my presence annoying and irritating. That, you know, disappearing actually did this person a favor.

And in that moment, I realized, wow. I was getting defensive, I was going into a mode of self-protection. But why? What was I trying to protect? Beyond rationale, beyond intellect, what I've come to realize is how my interactions with this person made me feel much more attached than would make empirical sense. And that I was resisting it. That it scared me - how I ended up caring this much for a person, if I were to count the hours, doesn't add up. Didn't make sense.

This had to be some sort of infatuation. Which is dumb and stupid. Logically - LOOK, it IS stupid!!! It's stupid because it serves no immediate, practical purpose!!

And perhaps a part of it was. An infatuation of sorts. But more than that, I cared. When I sensed that person was having a hard time, I cared. Despite myself, I found myself channeling energy towards being good to this person, trying to find ways in which to relieve a burden. I cared, and that scared me. Because the level to which I cared didn't make sense to me. Because it would totally UnMake everything I believed to be true about the nature of the human condition - and as a close extension of that: the human connection.

The more I plugged into Logic and Intellect, the more confused I became. The more dissatisfied. The more I misunderstood what was going on. I knew everything. Or thought I did. So when I came up with a diagnosis and the treatment didn't work, I didn't know what to do.

The thing is, my intuition knows what to do, but my intellect is scared to do it. Because my intellect doesn't trust my intuition, because my intellect is more scared of the consequences, of what will Happen, than in making myself vulnerable enough to apologize for something maybe even this other person may not be conscious of.

The more I resist, the more this persists and hijacks my thoughts. Another meme that is battling the ones already trying to control my actions in interest of protecting my emotional spirit. That, and Pride.

The thing is, up until I met this person, I was a very Rational Being. Even when delving into more esoteric topics such as astrology, mimetics and spirituality, I did it from a very Rational standpoint. I used my understanding of Logic to guide me. Everything I was interested in HAD to HAVE a very Practical Application. A function. If it served no immediate function, I often abandoned it.

Even when it came to betrayal and other forms of heartbreak, I was very Rational and Logical in creating rough time lines in my head as to how long it would take for me to get over it, what my course of action would be, how I would heal from this situation and bullet point what I was supposed to have learned from it.

The thing is... and I shall get to this in another post - but the recent reports of the Real breaking into the Imaginary (from the Lacanian standpoint) from the "chupacabra" to the gnome in Argentina, to the giant stingrays found in the South Pacific and off the coast of Florida, chemosynthesis, the Montauk Monster, the Vatican announcing that believing in extraterrestrial life is okay with God, Dr. Edgar Mitchell from NASA coming out that the government has, indeed, covered up its contact with alien lifeforms, and, most recently, Big Food/Yeti - which will be officially revealed today, its DNA testing and everything, at a conference today -- all these things, when we deny they exist, WHY do we DENY them?

Because they CAN'T exist.

Well, if they show up in the real, if they PERSIST - if there is photographic evidence and witnesses and news footage showing us that these incidences DO EXIST, then what happens?

First is outright Denial.

This can't exist.

Why?

Because to believe that it does will UnMake all that you believed in, it will shatter Reality as you know and understand it. Because Logic and Rationale aren't as reliable as we've come to understand them. Because we treat Logic and Rational like we do Science - like a Religion. Like it is infallible. Because we need to believe in something concrete and infallible to feel in control of our own existence and destiny.

The thing is, I think we are in control through choice - that destinies can be infinite, but that the problem is that the manifestation of destiny is so incredibly different that what we've come to understand it as: linear, concrete.

So if Logic and Rationale have Holes, what do we do?

If we're scared, we Deny. We protect ourselves.

Bahahaha. It's easier to talk about it when I distance myself from what is going on with me internally. The thing is, the connection that I experience with this person is something that defies my Logic, my understanding of how people are SUPPOSED to connect. The conditions to foster this level of affect and emotion aren't present in this connection. Hence, it cannot exist.

And yet it PERSISTS.

And it won't let me go. Gahhhh... I feel like that nerdy Dr. Horrible who can see everything but himself, who can aspire towards everything but what makes him feel emotionally vulnerable.

Logically, I should not contact this person. That I should continue to sever our level of contact. Logically, if I give it a few more weeks, this person will become but a distant memory and I can move on my merry little way without having this person plague my thoughts. Unbeknownst to me, this person's infected me with a meme. Or, perhaps, an "eme" since it is emotionally-based.

But I've been listening to my Logic and Rational for a long time now. And nothing is panning out the way it's supposed to, on a mathematical timeline. A meta-Logic beyond that would Logically say that it is because Logic is Failing me.

So what am I supposed to do? Even as I ask this question, I realize that I am asking it in the context of - what can I do to fix this situation and fix myself and keep myself from being emotionally vulnerable in any way? A very selfish question. How Can I Protect Myself? How Can I Stop Caring About This Other Person?

I know what I should do. But I don't know what will happen after that.

And that's what disturbs me.

If I listen to my intuition and I contact this person, it will shatter my sense of Logic in connection to human connection. The thing is, if I contact this person, there has to be a Reason. There has to be at least a sense of a concrete Outcome. But there isn't. So why am I being interpellated to contact this person? There is no Reason, no Outcome, no Rationale behind this ghost that continues to haunt me.

And that's what disturbs me more.

I've created this system of Logic and Rational that has never emotionally failed me. It is INFALLIBLE!! At least, it was supposed to be. And now that I'm not sure if it is anymore, now that it appears to be, in fact, very, very mortal...

Is there such thing as being called to do something or say something without a clear, discernable Reason?